trying to save us both

When I was getting my lifeguard certification, part of it included learning to fight off the person that I was trying to rescue. 

We would identify the swimmer in distress, swim out to them, and when we reached them, and got a firm grip on them to bring them in to safety, they would proceed to try to drown us. 

Well... they weren't "trying" to drown us ... they were trying to save themselves. And that involved grabbing us tightly, and pushing us under the water. This made the victim feel safer in the moment. They didn't realize that what they were doing, would actually kill us both. 

The only hope for either of us to survive, was if I broke away, pushing them away from me, for an instant. Then I could get an entirely different grip, and bring them in. 

If that didn't work, if they still didn't trust me in their sheer panic and fear of dying, I was told that I might need to push, punch, pinch or kick them. Whatever it took to get away, even if it hurt them. Even if it was scary for me. And TERRIFYING for the victim. Even if it felt like the OPPOSITE thing I should be doing. 

Sometimes the only way to save someone is to pull away from them, if only for a moment. 

Because if we both go down, then neither of us will make it. 

The fact that I've pulled myself away from the grip of two of our three children STILL does not feel natural or "right". I know it's right, because I know that if I didn't, then we would've all gone down. 

Still, after all these years... it feels like the opposite thing to do, if I'm trying to save them. 

My head knows it's right, my heart carries the weight of what feels like failure. 

So, I rerun the scene over and over in my mind... 

Could I have saved them, as they pulled me down in their desperate struggle to survive? If I let them keep their grip on me?

No. No, I couldn't have. 

Could I have griped differently?

No. 

Could I have done something differently, to show them I was trying to help them?

No. (Maybe?)

Could I have made them trust me?

No

So, for now then... I pull away, again, and try once more...

xo

K.