grace

Driving home from some errands, I pulled into the Animal Hospital parking lot. My husband had received a text saying that Indy's paw print was ready for pick up. I walked up to the counter and they recognized me. The two girls behind the counter each gave looks of sympathy, saying they were so sorry. I thanked them for the paw print, for everything, telling them how great they had been, and left.

As I unwrapped the plaster I thought about God's grace...

Indy was a 140 pound Mastiff. She was terrifying to everyone, who didn't know her. She was the biggest scaredy "cat" I'd ever met. Like. A strong wind startled her. She loved her family, and ONLY her family. She liked some other people, but, not many. She hated being kenneled when we traveled. It got to the point that she had a prescription for anxiety meds, that she ONLY needed when she was kenneled. Every time we would return home and pick her up, she weighed less because of her refusal to eat. The folks she was with tried everything to get her to eat... to include laying down with her (I am not kidding) in her kennel and hand feeding her (still not kidding). My favorite? The lady in PA who used to make pot roast when Indy was on the calendar. Indy loved her pot roast.

I mean. Really?

When we found out that the Army had plans to move us to Hawaii I immediately added Indy to my list of prayer requests. I firmly believed that if Indy survived that long flight in a kennel TO Hawaii, that the flight home would kill her. Forget about the stress of the build up to the flight, the pack out, the kenneling before the trip...

It was heavy on my heart.

In June Indy began to limp. I wasn't too concerned, but, we did have her checked. As you know, things got progressively worse, until... it got too bad.

Indy was happy the day she left us. She ate and drank... she peed and pooped. She wagged her tail. But, boy was our baby girl in a lot of pain. The vet assured us that our decision was the correct one, that although Indy was happy, she was in so much pain... too much pain.

Each morning when I say my prayers now, in the place of that particular request, I give my thanks. I truly believe that it was God's grace that things happened the way they did. He didn't save her from death, but, I believe He spared her some suffering.

All of this contemplation led me to thinking about all the things that happen, that just ... shouldn't happen. (Actually, I think about this often).

My list of prayer request includes people I have never met... and it includes my husband. And our kids. And me.

My thoughts intertwine and collide and collapse on each other. I do not understand why some things happen, and why some things don't. I don't know WHY ... regarding so many things.

But I do know that GOD'S will, His desire, His heart is health, wholeness, happiness, success, unity, relationship and ... good. But this world. This world with it's hate and disease and death and dying... With its anger, stress and its cancer (figuratively and literally). What ... is ... THAT? Our free will has us killing each other, and ourselves. And our planet... It's a mess.

We say God's grace... but where does GRACE fit in?

And I think ... God's grace is that place where peace fills the gaps created by our losses. By our mistakes. By our own free will ... and sadly (so, so sadly) by the free will of others. God's grace is why we are able to stand and why we are able to take one step forward when we don't want to stand at all.

God's grace doesn't remove the pain, it fills the place where the pain is.

Next month will be Ted's two year CT scan. I know that God tells us not to fear. I also know that HE must know that we would do it anyway because it's mentioned a ridiculous amount in the Bible. So, there's that. I'm going to go ahead and NOT feel guilty for that one.

God's grace though.

I'll stand. We'll stand. And no matter what, we will keep moving forward. We will breathe in and we will breathe out and life will still happen. It will always happen, until it doesn't, and we will always keep moving forward. THAT is what His grace allows for us. To move forward in a world that we wish was entirely different.

(** people who know me know that I often blog when I'm on the other side of things, so before the phone starts ringing, texts start coming in and private messages stack up ... I'm fine. Remember - grace).

xo
K.