collecting tears

Psalm 56:8 (NLT) says "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book".

I've done some crying the last couple of weeks.

Our youngest son ended up in the ER for a front tooth that was broken in half (dodgeball is the short version of that story). I could do a mini blog post series on what spending the night in the ER with a dentist, and two hours the next morning with a dentist, did to me. You read that right. ME. Not our son, who was a completely unfazed rockstar. The short version of THAT story is that it brought me all the way back to everything with my Mom (who, for those of you that do not know, died of oral cancer). Incidentally (not really) we found out that a "root canal is imminent" ... so ... I might ask for laughing gas for two when that all takes place.

This last week was filled with our daughter going into the ER in St Lucia for some unexplained fever, high white blood cell count and a high SED rate (google it, I did).... unexplained - every last bit of it. There was talk of flying her from there (if they were unable to give her the treatment she needed) to Florida (where we do NOT live) for treatment, because that would be the closest U.S. facility. Truly I cannot make this stuff up. At one point I looked up - just generally UP - and said "THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE DOWN HERE YOU KNOW"!!! I quickly took that back and decided that I will keep my own chaos. It's fine. It could be a lot worse. I'm fine. Forget what I said. I didn't mean it. Also, our daughter is fine. As strangely as it all came about, it all left.

Walking one morning I realized (I often realize things on my walks) that IF I needed to go to Florida, there was a reason for it. God would use it somehow. Because He uses everything. Every thing, every tear, every - every - thing. Like. The diagnosis my husband was given last December ... if he had not had that diagnosis, we wouldn't even be living in the U.S. right now ... We would be living in South Korea. That gave me pause. I could be trying to fly from Korea to Florida. As I said earlier, I'll keep my own chaos... it could be a lot worse. I threw up my white flag of surrender. Again. And remembered that it is just easier to let it go and say "take this" because truly, I have no idea what I'm doing.

Now, when I say "take this" there is some trust involved ... God and I have a pretty interesting arrangement. More than once I've prayed one way and not only has that way not come, but, an entirely different thing has occured. And when that happens, as it often does, I have to believe, I choose to believe, that God still has my back. God can't give us all happy endings and all only good things because of that whole free will thing. We either ALL have free will, or, God is up there holding puppet strings attached to each of us. And if we ALL have free will (which, we do) then there is a ripple effect that creates a very messy world. A world where people get cancer, for example. A world where a child can be so neglected and so abused that they end up with Reactive Attachment Disorder, for example. A world where a couple can try and try to have a baby and keep having miscarriages, for example. Free will = messy world. Let's not confuse that by blaming a God who isn't loving and compassionate. And good. (Because He is)

I know God is good because I'm still standing. I shouldn't be.

I know God is good because last night we Skyped with our oldest son and when I looked at him I felt nothing but pure joy and love. LOVE. Only the people closest to me know my deep dark ugly yuck when it comes to the road that I have been on with our kids. When our son left for where he is now, I truly never thought I would heal from... everything... from my brokenness. I never thought I could forgive him (this might be strange for some of you to read but, with both children that are living away from us, there is a lot of forgiveness, in every direction (including mine), that needs to be given and received). But, last night ... I didn't feel like I had forgiven him, or that he had forgiven us ... it was as if ... none of the bad had ever happened between us. The call was about 40 minutes long. The couple who is parenting him was on the call and the Dad said "The four of us are raising quite the boy"... The four of us. Together. And you guys? He is doing SO WELL. We watched as he played the piano and all I could think is they (the couple) are doing such a great job raising him.... and WE got him there. The four of us - together. We listened to him talk about football. The Dad told us that they had a football banquet recently... and when the coach mentioned our son he referred to him as "fearless". Our son. Being raised by another couple. Not so much my plan at all. This is not the happy ending that I was fighting for. That I was praying for (at least originally). This was the "take this" happy ending. And you know what? I will take it. Thank you.

It's been three years and three months.

So, it took some time.

And some tears.

And God collected each one of them.

And I'm not broken in that place anymore.

Also... I wonder how big my tear bottle is.

xo
K.