picking up the pieces

Strangely the second half of Summer was quite lovely. And as chemo was farther in the view of the side mirrors of our life, a normalcy of some sort was restored in our home.

School supplies were purchased, new sneakers were bought in a bigger size, nice new clothes, that our son couldn't care less about, were tried on, bought, and hung in the closet...and the school bus came.

Just like that, we entered into a new school year.

It's always so strange how life just ... goes on ... isn't it?

I remember when my Mother died 22 years ago ... there was a day I was walking into the grocery store and I just ... looked around wanting to scream "HOW CAN YOU ALL WALK AROUND AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED???? MY MOM DIED"!!!!

But life has to go on I suppose.

I've decided on a sort of strategy for at least the next few months... I almost typed "several months" but, I realize that T's follow up appointments are less than four months away (January). So. That's not several at all.

My strategy is to pace myself. And to plan. Plan meals. Plan prep days. Plan grocery shops. Plan "days off". Plan lunch out. Plan rest. Implement the Sabbath in our home on Sundays. Schedule in a way that things get accomplished, and, so that fun is had. Funny. I'm still trying to control as much as I can. I realize that as I'm typing this. I'm trying to focus on our family, our home, our food, enjoying time with one another. I'm trying to create peace in our home. Scheduling periods of just ... open time with one another.

I find myself looking forward to Thanksgiving, and after that I find myself paralyzed.

I do know that even though I know God is good, and He is big, and He is faithful ... that I am not in a constant state of "resting in Him" ... not yet anyway.

I've never prayed more than I pray now. And honestly I am thankful for that. I am thankful for all that has come from the diagnosis we heard back in December. Thankful for something that came from something that I hate happened.

Many times when we are sitting on the couch, I slip my hand under T's leg, and I quietly pray "Don't take him. Not yet. Not soon. Don't take him".

When he seems tired, or forgetful, or even when he is in the bathroom too long (which. hi. all men are in the bathroom too long) ... I worry.

I still can't see the future. I can't see past here. I used to plan for our next move... because a move was always pending. Now I wonder ... and my wonder is just lost into a big abyss ...

Knowing that none of us know the future is only a comfort sometimes. I know this because I try to use that logic a lot.

I am constantly self talking.

Praying.

Praising.

Worshipping (I love our echo dot because I can just play my favorite songs over and over).

Cooking.

Planning for peace.

Planning for rest.

All this to say - please do not cease in thanksgiving on our behalf - and please do not cease in praying for complete and total restorative healing.

xo
K.