wanting to want to

I considered not posting about this. In fact I just deleted an entire blog post because I'm having a hard time articulating where I am. But. If I can't have you "here" with me, then I can't take you "there" with me..... wherever "there" ends up being in the future.

I've been doing a lot of walking the past couple of weeks. Alone. I don't wear headphones when I walk, so it's just me and God. Somehow I'm able to fill an hour, even two hours, with just...... thought. My hope is that it's not all me, that God is moving in there too. I'm pretty sure He is, because the other day I had a serious heart check.

I'm very..... comfortable. As in. I want to stay right where we are. My husband, our son, and me. Nice and happy and whole. Laughing, sharing, living. Sleeping (through the night), waking (and actually WANTING to get out of bed in the morning), eating (while I like to be slender, I was too slender, even for my taste, last Spring).

The other day I realized I am in a pretty steady state of plans (plan B, C, D, and so on) regarding our daughter. I cannot go back to what we were. I can't. I won't. Whatever hell you are imagining? It's worse. It was horrible.

I think about the what ifs. The what if NOTS.

What if she doesn't get better? THEN what? (Hence all my planning)

What if she gets better and I don't? Because let me tell you. This Mom? This Mom is broken. My heart? It's hurt, sad, ANGRY, bitter, unforgiving (I know, not good), and.... terrified. What if? What if I don't heal?

Understand this. I'm not saying God cannot fix me. But. We are participants. He isn't up there with some kind of magic wand, sprinkling people with fairy dust. We have to PARTICIPATE. WE have to do some hard work. What if..... I don't ..... let go? What if I "can't"? What if..... I don't want to?

I'm going to pray that I want to. Even if my prayer is just going through the motions. Because I WANT, to WANT to change. And that's all I've got right now.

SO back to considering not posting this......

I'm not alone. There are a lot of Moms out there like me. Tattered and torn, broken and exhausted..... wanting to just ...... sleep through the night. Wanting to NOT dread morning. Physically sick. And we WANT to want..... but, we just aren't there yet.

But. This I know. I belong to a very patient, loving God, who wants the best for me..... so I'm going to bring my big pile of mess to Him, every, single, day.

xo
K.