hold me together

The Bible tells us to rejoice always and to give thanks in all circumstances. I am realizing recently that I think I've been misunderstanding this. I've always kind of pictured that I should be singing praises as I watch my husband leave for another deployment, and that I should be thankful that I had yet another miscarriage, that I should be joyful as I look at the payments that need to go out this month, while I stare at the money that is sitting in the account, wondering if there is enough in one, to cover the others. That I should say "thank you" that our kids are a mess and that I really don't know if they will ever be free from what has a hold on them.... if this nightmare is ever actually going to end on this side of heaven. Because honestly - we don't ever know that "Everything is going to be OK".... we really don't.

That I should be JOYFUL that the s*&% is hitting the fan.

This week has been an emotionally difficult one. Doubts have been swirling (big doubts), finances have been tight, and I'm tired. I find myself fearful of today, fearful of tomorrow.... fear - full. I know fear is not from God. I know that I need to keep putting that fear at the foot of the cross. That it's not a one and done kind of thing. That it is over and over again. When that fear comes - I need to bring it on over. I need to lay it down.

Many days I feel like a complete, shattered, mess of a human. I'm so broken.

But, when I look closely, I see that God has used the mortar that is His presence to bond my broken pieces back together. And His bond - is so strong. And - His bond. Has changed me. It's made ME stronger.

And I'm thankful.

And I wonder. Is this what Paul meant when he said (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

"Rejoice always,pray continually,give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus".

That we should be thankful for what has happened. Because of what it has done to us. For us.

Every crack, every broken piece, every wrong choice, vile word, angry thought, every fear, every single horrible loss, every tragedy......everything that has broken me in so many places..... Bond me back together with Your strength, Your mortar, Your sovereign bonding agent.

Everything that has come at me, shattering my self worth, allowing doubt and fear to creep in to the depths of my soul, breaking my heart, breaking my spirit..... I'm bringing it to you to fix.

Cement me back together.

I'm joyful for this. I'm thankful that I have been broken so that I needed fixing SO THAT I realize the cross is where I need to come.

If I wasn't broken. If I had not been broken... I wouldn't know that I needed God.

So please. Break me. Fix me. And break me again.....

And I will give You thanks. And I will be glad.

xo
K.