why don't we wail?

I got home from Massachusetts on Sunday.

I went to the grocery store today, and I had to force myself. I did it though, and maybe that's the only time I will go out for the week. I think that I will just stay safely holed up behind the walls of my home.

I told my husband today that I don't want to see anybody. I can't talk about what is happening because I cannot do it without crying and when people see somebody cry they want to hug them because they want to make them feel better but...

I do not want to feel better.

I want to grieve and cry and wail and scream.

I want to wallow.

I want to cry for the pain that Annmarie has and is and still could experience. I want to cry for Laura because she is going to lose the most important person in her life. I want to cry because I am so thankful that there is a heaven and that Annmarie will be running - freely running - joyfully running - singing and jumping there......not long from now.

I want to heave and lose my breath and cry until I fall asleep. I want to feel every bit of this sadness because I have to. That is the only way I know how to get through it. I don't want to ..... miss it.

Why do we try to stop crying? Why do we try to feel better?

Didn't people in the Bible scream and tear their clothes? That seems right to me. Wasn't there a mourning period where the world stopped for people who had lost someone?

We should do that.

The world should stop.

When my Mother went through her cancer, the cancer that took her life, my Dad "needed" me to "be strong" ..... he hated to see me cry, and I understand that, but, what I found myself doing instead was taking a breath to stop the tears from coming. Since then, that is what I have done. Until last week, when I got off the phone with Laura, and something grabbed a hold of my heart and tore it in two. It came out of nowhere and I found myself unable to walk, grabbing on to a bookshelf, heaving. I made it back to the dinner table and sobbed. That kind of sob that has sound, that is loud, the kind where the tears won't stop and the tissues can't come quickly enough.

For now, that is where I want to stay.

Because this, deserves that.

Because I shouldn't try to feel better.

Because I want to cry.

xo
K.