i remember

I remember hearing about a training accident that ended in death when my husband and I were still dating. I didn't know that training exercises sometimes used real ammunition. It was a horrible accident, but I won't go into details here. The boy who died was young. I believe he was 19. Engaged to be married. I had no idea what the military life was like. What our Soldiers did. How they fought. How they prepared for battle.

I remember the first memorial I went to for an active duty Soldier. My husband was a Captain, as was this young man. It was a motorcycle accident. He left behind a wife. I was a very new Army wife at the time, and a new friend I had recently made asked me if I had ever been to a memorial. I told her that I had not, well, not to a military one. She told me she needed to prepare me, a friend had prepared her for her first, and she was always thankful for that. At a memorial they do "roll call". They call out names on the roster. It starts out with (for example) SGT Smith. And to that there is no answer. SGT John Smith they call. (no answer). SGT John Henry Smith. To which someone on the roster will call out "SGT John Henry Smith was killed in action at (place) on (date)".... and for each memorial I have gone to, I am never able to hold back the tears. Most memorials I've gone to, I do not know the person at all. I am there because I want to show the family that we care. That I care. That people know. That people remember.

I remember going to the memorial for a Battalion Commander ("BC"). I was in awe of all the soldiers standing at parade rest during the service. There were well over 600 Soldiers. The BC was killed on a recon mission in Vietnam. The unit he would soon join was there recovering the remains of POW's/MIA's. Years later I read about this particular helicopter crash in the book "Army Wives". I remember thinking it was odd that I knew about events that were written about in a book..... Turns out I knew about the three main events in that book.

I remember the day I heard about someone I actually knew. And then another. The things I feel are not memories now, they are real. They are current. I feel grief...... fear..... guilt........ confusion...... I have questions......

I remember telling my husband I wanted him to get out of the Army because eventually it would be us, it would be him. At some point - it would be us. I would be getting the notification.

When people thank my husband for his service and then thank me I truly don't know what to say. My husband is willing to die for his country. He would be fine with that. I would not be. I feel like people shouldn't thank me because my sacrifice is for my husband. While I love my country (and grew to love it even more after living overseas), my sacrifice isn't for it. Honestly I feel like a fraud when people thank me. I'm not an Army wife because of my dedication to the nation or for my patriotism (although I am dedicated and patriotic). I'm an Army wife because my husband is a Soldier.

I remember my husband coming home changed after each deployment, he knows so many more fallen than I. The heavy heart he carries with him. All the loss. All the widows. All the fatherless (or motherless) children.

I remember friends telling me that THEY knew someone, that their friend's husband had died.

I remember the news reporting that the war had "ended" but Soldiers still not coming home, wives still being notified.

I remember just before Thanksgiving a few years ago, being told that there was a HMMWV ("Hum Vee") accident. A HMMWV for goodness sake. No weapons, no war, just a training accident. A vehicle accident. Days before Thanksgiving a wife and two daughters, lives instantly changed forever.

I remember another friend finding out on facebook that a friend had fallen. No war. No combat. A meeting. An enemy. Gun fire. A widow and two fatherless children.

I never understood Memorial Day growing up. I understood what it meant, but, I never felt it. Never grieved. Never remembered. Maybe because I didn't have anyone to remember.

I don't care if people BBQ. I get that. I get that people don't understand what they don't know, what they don't live. For us it was always the beginning of Summer, and Labor Day was the end.

But.

If you are reading this, then you have been given a little peek inside..... and one thing you can do is pray. Even if you aren't a Bible-thumping, church-going, Jesus-loving person. God will still hear you. Pray for the families of the fallen. Pray for peace, strength and provision.

xo
K.