clarity on a cloudy day

We've been pool bound pretty much every day (that it's not raining) this Summer....... Today the weather was just too hard to call, and we ended up at the bowling alley.

It was a rough morning here..... I think it's a combination of my husband being away, the kids and all their "stuff"..... and my PMS (although I hate to admit it).

By the time we got to the bowling alley I was pretty unhappy with all three children for one (million) reason(s) or another.

We ate lunch and played two games, and by the end, I was done, done, done. I swept up all the bowling shoes and went to the counter to pay.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of pink at the door..... My daughter was running outside..... beyond her, too far away, I saw the hint of my youngest son's orange shirt.... He was deep into the parking lot. I yelled at my oldest to get his brother and sister fast. (I was mid transaction at the counter with a Korean at the register). I grabbed my card and ran out the door. My daughter and oldest son were trying to get my youngest inside. Nope. He wasn't budging. He was standing at our vehicle. And. He was desperately upset..... sobbing..... heaving, heavy, sobs...... He thought I had left him. I picked him up, holding him as tightly as I could against me while he heaved and cried..... when his body was calm I put him down and told him over and over and over again..... "I will never ever leave you ever."

Of course he feared that. Don't ALL of my kids fear that?

My other two kids were emotionless......

Then my daughter said in a flat voice: "Yeah. I thought you left too." ..... and then "Mom, can we go to the library?"

And I saw so clearly - my life.

I really do only have one attached child. One child with that normal panic of OH NO WHERE IS MY MOTHER?!?!? I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HER!

It broke my heart into a million pieces and I feel numb in it's wake.

Will my other two ever FULLY understand how wide...... how deep .... and how high..... my love is for them? Will they ever KNOW me? Will they ever be free from all that binds them and keeps them from happiness?

Today I don't know.

And it breaks my heart.

xo
K.