and the seasons they go round and round

and the painted ponies go up and down.

we're captive on a carousal of time...

I've quoted Joni here before..... strange how she can just stick with me after all of these years...


The seasons are changing, literally, all around us. And. I think that.... the seasons are changing, once again, in our family.... We are in the season of two million steps back two steps back...

The last week or so, as you know, has been beyond ridiculous...... Last night we spent three hours on one side of one math worksheet that never got done. For no reason other than just .... not wanting to do it.

I get overwhelmed, convinced that these behaviors are intentional, purposeful, aimed at me, personally.

Of course they are not.

But. Try telling that to the completely frazzled Mom (that being me).

Of course it's the constant attempts at trying to prove what they (my kids)believe..... They are unworthy, they are nothing, they feel shame, they feel that they are nothing. Not good, and the list goes on....

Why can't I understand THAT when I'm in the moment?

Today I had reports from all of our teachers.

Not listening, making noise, annoying other students, throwing food ..... Not sharing, not sitting in circle time, being mean to other children, snatching toys away, defiantly NOT doing what they were told (over and over) and some other stuff that I actually, seriously, cannot even put on here.

I'm horrified.

And I feel guilty for feeling horrified. It's not about me it's about them. Right? So I need to keep my own insecurities and my pride out of it.

I just was interrupted by a full fledged, bold faced, lie..... Looking right at me.... in my eyes...... no guilt, no remorse, no sense of wrong doing.

Lie. Then back to happily joking around and eating a snack.

I was crying at the tiny table, in the tiny chair, talking to the preschool teacher, with her big, pink, cast.

Are these kids going to make it?

They are so determined to sabotage any bit of goodness that they feel......

It's days like today that I question how much I can actually DO..... I know, I know that it is my job to be a Mother, and it is God's job to do the "fixing" .... or rathing the healing..... But. How do I separate that when I'm here on the front lines? When I'm the one sitting at the table with the child refusing to look at the worksheet in front of him? When I am saying the same thing over and over (but, no, not too wordy, because I understand that after about three words I'm not being heard).....

Some kids never heal. What if we are in that statistic?

Stayed tuned for a much more positive post..... I'm sure there will be one on the horizon..... right?

xo
K.