I'm

Sad.

Scared.

Thankful.

Hopeful.

Blessed.

Terrified.

Angry.

Exhausted from choosing hope. Choosing peace. Fighting the fear.

One casual, innocent comment can derail me.

For days.

Up.

Down.

Sinking.

Up again.

Exhausted from the self talk. The constant self talk.

Convincing myself that no matter what, it's going to be OK.

Sinking again.

Floating again.

Only God knew what I would read in my Bible this morning. Because truly there is no rhyme or reason to what order I am reading and when. I read Romans about three times, then read through to Revelation. Then started in Matthew, reading up to Romans. I decided to start rereading The Old Testament next, but, took a detour through Ecclesiastes. I'm in Genesis, chapter two as of today. And on page 172 in "The Book of Mysteries" devotional I'm reading. So, of course I'm at the point of creation in the Bible... interestingly enough the page in the Mysteries book referenced "Let their be light!". Coincidence? I'm betting no. Here's some of what I underlined in the book. "We see ourselves as we are. But God sees us not as we are, but as He called us to be. He gives you an identity not based on your past but based on your future, what you are to become. The secret is to receive that identity and believe it before you see it. Live it as if it is."

It went on to talk about other things God "named" before they became.

This all falls in line with something a dear friend encouraged me with weeks ago.

So, I was feeling pretty strong, and pretty hopeful after reading that. I mean, a cancer diagnosis does not hinder God's plans.

Then I checked my email. I read an urgent email requesting donations for a fellow parent of a child in the program our daughter is in. The (single) parent was diagnosed with colon cancer in November and "the chemo is not working" .... she was "sent home".... there is "nothing they can do"...

Sinking.

Under water.

Terrified.

Heart racing.

All over again.

Self talk.

Reaching for the phone, calling a life line.

Talk me off the ledge of fear.

I thought I understood the fear that is a result of a cancer diagnosis. My Mom, My father in law, a dear friend... all ... gone. A best friend, other friends, other family members... diagnosed and healed. Better.

I've cried because of cancer.

Mourned.

But.

Until it entered my home. My life. My future.

I didn't understand it.

I would say that nobody can really get it, no matter how much they try or want to. Unless, or until, it is in their home.

How much energy it takes to choose peace.

To remind oneself that God is in control.

It's a choice.

Over and over again it's a choice.

I'm so tired.

And yes, I know that God is good and that He is in control.

I've been telling myself that all day.

xo
K.