is it safe to skate?

I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind immediately starts to wander.

Am I upset? How did we leave things? What day is it? Was it a good day? The haze wears off and my body starts to wake..... it's the middle of the night..... the house is quiet...... except the snores coming from my husband (who I am so glad sleeps soundly beside me) and from our big, huge, bundle of fur on the floor of our bedroom. I think about what I almost always think about when I'm laying awake in bed these days........ our daughter.

I think things were OK today..... how many days has it been? It's been a ......... week. It's been a whole week.

Things are OK. It's OK. She's OK.

A week ago my daughter was sick. She was sick and she told me. And I made her feel better. I did that. For the first time in eight years...... She was sick and she came to ME, almost....... desperate........ and I made her feel better. She had stayed home from school on Thursday, felt better on Friday so went. The bus came at the end of the day and I watched as she walked along the sidewalk towards our house ..... I could see the face...... the face that kids get when they just feel horrible....... she walked in the door and I knew. I asked how she was feeling ...... and she told me. I immediately got her medicine and filled the tub....... about thirty minutes later I heard her singing from the bath.

This.

The weekend was basically that. Feeling sick. Mom making it better. Laying on the couch, watching princess movies. Mom making it better.

This.

She missed a birthday party. Her first invite of the year. She was sad of course. And she cried. She cried because she was sad that she was missing the party. AND SHE TOLD US SHE WAS SAD THAT SHE WAS MISSING THE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

THIS.

I've been in this happy place before..... I feel like I'm tenderly, carefully, walking on the ice..... unsure if it is safe. (I wonder if she feels this way..... yes. It's likely she does). Did we just ..... make some progress?

I think so.

I know that this isn't "it" that the journey is not over.... but today....... I'm going to skate.

xo
K.