whistle while you work

Lately I'm getting the same message from ..... more than one place.....

The message is basically to whistle while I work. It is what it is. Quit complaining. Have a positive attitude. Have hope. God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

You know.

All that stuff.

As I process.... I realize I need to come to a point of acceptance in my life before I can begin to whistle.

I tend to cycle. A lot. Not in a bi-polar way but in a plug along, pushing forward, keep moving..... shoot, I can't take this anymore, I can't do this, this is too hard, I need something to give sorta way.

I fight.

Then I flight.

I find myself wavering back and forth from trying to be Christ like ('cause that's easy) to doing everything wrong.

And when I say everything, I mean, if there was a list of what not to do, I'd check off about 90% of the list.

Acceptance.

My life is not what I thought it'd be. Parts of it are. Parts of it are better than I could have ever dreamed. And parts are..... Parts are so hard that I want to hide in my bath tub with a (large) glass of wine for hours (oh. I already do that).

I'm struggling on how I take this broken, hurt, insecure, prideful human being (me) and make it into a whole, sure, humble person who can raise three kids who push against my parenting. It's such a mirror image of me and God. He loves, I push, He guides, I pretend I don't hear and do it my way, He loves and I think I am not worthy and it's a lie, and He doesn't REALLY love me like He says b/c how could He?

And.

If I don't fully understand what God has for me then how can I display that for my kids?

So, that's where I've been..... not knowing what to say, or write, or type..... because I'm in the middle of trying to accept. Accept. Embrace. Cherish..... even love. I want to be who I appear to be. I want to be the person people think they see. Because I don't think I am.

I want to love the messy, ugly, yucky stuff that fights to pull me under. I want to laugh at it and say "Is that all you've got?"

So.

Yeah.

xo
K.